Embracing Possibilities

Over the past couple of years I have become fairly close with several who have suffered a great loss.  There is one thing that many of us seem to have in common – a lack of patience that manifests itself in an internal tug of war with time.

While in the depths of grief and sorrow, it is all we can do to get through each and every day.  We count the hours until we can go back to sleep.  When we sleep, time passes faster and when it is time to wake up, we curse the hours of daylight.  (I suspect that this an obvious sign of depression.)

Our waking hours gradually become less and less of a drudgery but this is a lengthy process.  I remember counting every 24-hour milestone - 1 day, 3 days, 7 days and then 10.  We move on to weeks - 3 weeks, 5 weeks, 7 weeks then 12.  Then months, 3, 4, 6, 9 and eventually, one year has passed.  The first year seems like an eternity.  When we make it to the second year, we feel like we’ve accomplished something almost supernatural. 

But when we get to year 3, there can be colossal disappointment.  Our life isn’t quite yet, back on track – and society says that it is supposed to be.  You see we are just regaining our footing and our “new life” begins now.  We can be likened to adult adolescents, starting over. 

I tried to rush this process. I went through the steps outwardly but this wasn’t always reconciled internally.  At 3 years, I was supposed to have it all figured out.  Well I didn’t.  This realization was at first so very disparaging. 

Over the last few months, I’m finally giving myself some grace.  When faced with tragedy, human nature is to gravitate towards what we know; towards what is comfortable.  I believe that this is our soul’s way of protecting us and by keeping us from taking on more than we can handle.  But there comes a time when the comfortable, the known isn’t always in our best interest.  Breaking away from that is tough. 

I’m a work in progress.  I’m for once starting to get excited about the unchartered path to new opportunities and relationships.  The future doesn’t have to be so scary anymore. 

When I was in my late teens and early 20’s, I was filled with the excitement of possibilities.  I’m digging deep to find that thrill and to recreate that energy.  It’s harder this time around because the risk is greater.  My life experiences have made me more fragile and to further complicate the situation, it isn’t just about me anymore as I have little and (not so little) people that are depending on me.

However, life continually gets better.  I am blessed and thankful and constantly speak this truth out loud.  My days are now more often than not, fulfilling.  I go to bed exhausted from a sense of accomplishment, not as means of escape.  My future will reveal itself one day at a time and this is cause for excitement and joy, not for fear and in trepidation.