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A Life's Purpose

Yesterday was my first day back to work after a brief vacation.  It was tough.  After enjoying the freedom of being home with my kids for the better part of week, I found myself broken and torn about going back to the job that I was at one time so thankful for and really enjoyed. 

I work for a mid-sized public accounting firm that specializes in business and partnership taxation.  Our clients are complex with multiple entities.  This work is challenging and I have enjoyed the sense of accomplishment that comes with working at a higher bandwidth.  However, the rigidity of my supervisors, the lack of flexibility within my work place and the demands of long hours during tax season have been brutal and very hard on my family.  We are about to start our 2^nd “tax season” of the year as the firm extends approximately 80% of their workload.  With deadlines of September 15 and October 15 looming, I have to start preparing for 70-80 hour work weeks once again.

I had a somewhat lengthy conversation with a colleague that left me disheartened and perplexed.    One of the points of discussion was that of one’s purpose in life.  I’ve thought about this so much and am still trying to discover what this might be for me.  I do however know that my purpose is NOT that of preparing tax returns for the next 25 years . . . 

Throughout various stages of my recovery, I have often posed the question of why I lived.  My story could have turned out so differently and, I don’t for one minute believe that our family tragedy and the road to recovery were for naught. However, I can’t seem to figure out how to turn this into a something meaningful.  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of ideas, but the problem is that of execution. 

Some of these ideas are as follows:

§  To be an advocate for the extended family members of those with mental health issues;

§  To assist caregivers in providing resources that would assist them in navigating the mental health system;

§  To work on fostering collaborative efforts between mental health professionals and law enforcement in an effort to reduce and hopefully prevent more tragedies;

§  To share my story in a positive way that brings support, encouragement and hope to those who have faced a horrific tragedy in their own life.

And, what if there was a foundation that could support all of the issues addressed above and through fundraising efforts, provide the resources necessary to assist in research and development with respect to drug therapy.  It’s true that mental health awareness has greatly improved over the last several years but we there is so much work yet to be done. 

One of my dearest friends has counseled me on patience.  She tells me that in due time and once the dust settles, I will figure out how to organize my thoughts and I will figure out a plan of execution.  Perhaps this tiny blog is the first step in that process and the beginning of a journey to discover my life’s purpose . . .

Life – Part 2

There have been several “life changes” for me and my children since my last posting .  .  .

My oldest just finished his first year as a freshman at the University of Kentucky and I am happy to say that his grades were such that he gets to go back in the fall!  My second son continues to live with my parents in Southern Illinois and completed a very successful junior year in high school.  His football team made it to the state semi-finals, his grades were excellent and he just returned from a one week trip to the Dominican Republic with his high school Spanish class.  I moved to Dallas, Texas with the two younger children.  Hunter just finished his sixth grade year in all honor’s classes, takes piano, plays bass in the school orchestra and has discovered the sport of lacrosse.  Katherine also excelled academically, plays piano, continues with tumbling and trampoline and just finished competing in the national competition.  I started working again in public accounting last January and am so blessed to be affiliated with my current employer.  We have an adorable little house, live in a very friendly neighborhood, attend a wonderful church, have made many great friends and we have an incredibly supportive family.

From the outside looking in, we are all doing remarkably well.  We have moved on and moved forward and we are doing our best to embrace our “new normal.”

Nevertheless and despite all the successes, there is still a lot of heartache and sadness that prevails – and often times very unexpectedly and without a predictable trigger.

I’m not prepared to know how to handle these situations.  There is no “how-to” manual providing guidance on how to counsel my children when they have a “mental / emotional hiccup.”    And each child’s struggle manifests itself in different ways.  There is no “one size” fits all method when it comes to helping them deal with their respective issues.  This is hard . . . harder than I ever imagined it would be.  As a mother, I want to ease their pain; I want to fix it for them; and sometimes I just want to erase all the “bad” from their minds.  Sometimes I want to pretend for us all that it has always just been the 5 of us and by doing so I don’t have to acknowledge that our family unit was tragically broken.  Yes, denial is sometimes the only way to get through the day. 

My prayer each and every day is that we make it through with minimal stress and minimal sadness.  Most of the time we do but invariably we have another “hiccup” and when that happens, I pray that I have the wisdom and guidance to get us through . . .