Today, Gabe would have been 54 years old. I really don’t know how to process this. He has been gone now just over two years now
and those two years have seemed like a lifetime.
The estate is unwinding – properties are being sold, debts
are being paid and before long, this too, shall be no more. I have been working day and night trying to
hold on to everything and to keep the business in tact. But I think that it is now time to let
go.
Grief manifests itself in many different forms and managing
it is a challenge in and of itself. I
grieved for the death of my husband; I grieved for my injured body; I grieved for
my traumatized children and now I grieve for the business that we started
together will be no more.
Recently a dear friend asked me if I spend time alone. My response was a resounding ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I fear being alone because I might actually have to deal with emotions,
memories and feelings that have been buried.
Work has been an escape, a distraction and in my mind, a better use of
my time. I’ve had no time to sit and
enjoy a personal pity party and I have tried to avoid this at all costs. But it looks like I will finally get my
invitation and the party will commence.
I dread this “party for one” and its eventual arrival. But I have come
to the realization that this too, is part of grieving and one has to simply go
through it to become whole again.
As the buildings are sold and new management companies come
in to the picture, my work here will end.
When it ends, I will have a great deal of time alone. The thought of this is traumatizing and
paralyzing to say the least. What will I
do? How will I cope?
I’ve never been alone.
This is unchartered territory and I pray that I figure out how to
navigate.
Hey Steph, You'll get through it. May 12th would have been David's 43rd birthday, if you can believe that. On July 22nd it will be the 25th anniversary of his death. Different circumstances, certainly, but pain, sorrow and loss nonetheless. I don't now recall the first day I had where I didn't think about him at some point, but it happened. The painful memories turn nostalgic; the tears still come but they're accompanied with a smile. Day by day the pain becomes more manageable. I wish I didn't have to know that. Welcome to the club no one wants to be in. But know that you'll get through it. You're strong.
ReplyDeleteRick
No Rick I can't believe it. I remember getting the call regarding David's accident. I was in summer school here at U of I. It's hard to believe that it has been 25 years now. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I have been so focused on working through the anger that I haven't really had anytime to deal with buried emotions. Purging, processing and taking care of me is my new summer project. This club sucks but at least it has members who understand, relate and are full of compassion. We need to connect this summer. You are a dear friend. Hugs to you and your family!!!
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