Two Years and Counting – Upwards that is . . .

When Gabe died, numerous people came up to me and said that the first two years would be the hardest.  I wanted to defy them and mentally recover from the tragedy must quicker.  Two years seemed like an eternity to me especially since every day seemed like it was filled with one hundred hours instead of twenty-four.  In the first several months, I would try to sleep as much as possible as I felt that sleeping made time pass by faster and this might expedite the process of grieving and recovery.

My measuring stick was the number of good days versus the number of bad days.  I remember keeping a mental log of my “turn around” time each time I would crash to convince myself that I was actually getting better.   It took me a long time to laugh authentically.  Yes, I would laugh and feign happiness for the people around me but it was a show.   And for some reason, I thought that if I “faked it” enough then it might eventually become real.   I struggled to find the joy that one feels in their core.  My daily routine and my basis for existence became one of throwing myself into work and to try my best to salvage my late husband’s estate.  My personal mantra was that of “live to fight another day.”

February 27, 2012 finally arrived – the two year anniversary of THAT DAY.  I thought that I would be filled with sadness and grief.  The exact opposite was true.   For the first time in a long time, I felt as if a burden had been lifted.  I made it and I was a survivor.  Things were going to be okay and I actually believed it. 

Each and every day since then, I seem to be able to have a better perspective of what my future and the future of my children is going to be.  An internal transformation has taken place and this is a true blessing.    Whereas I used to be filled with insecurity and panic, I now feel energized by the endless possibilities of what my future might entail. 

I am so thankful for a second chance; I treasure my friends and family in a way that I can’t even begin to articulate; I am blessed and I know it.   I try very hard to ignore the “small stuff” and to embrace the positives in my life.  I have a purpose in life in that I will continually fight for changes in our society that will hopefully prevent my story from happening again.   

This being said, I don’t want to ever forget.  Whereas it is important that we file away the bad, we must never completely throw it away.  Every so often, it is important to retrieve those difficult memories and to reflect on our own personal history even if for nothing more than to have a “reality check” and to give ourselves a “fist bump” for recognizing how far we have come.

And this, my friends is why I made the decision to write this blog.  “Transcending Tragedy” is how I have decided to define my life.  We all make choices in life and we can all be proactive regarding the mindset with which we move forward in life – no matter what obstacles we face.