Today, Gabe would have been 54 years old. I really don’t know how to process this. He has been gone now just over two years now
and those two years have seemed like a lifetime.
The estate is unwinding – properties are being sold, debts
are being paid and before long, this too, shall be no more. I have been working day and night trying to
hold on to everything and to keep the business in tact. But I think that it is now time to let
go.
Grief manifests itself in many different forms and managing
it is a challenge in and of itself. I
grieved for the death of my husband; I grieved for my injured body; I grieved for
my traumatized children and now I grieve for the business that we started
together will be no more.
Recently a dear friend asked me if I spend time alone. My response was a resounding ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I fear being alone because I might actually have to deal with emotions,
memories and feelings that have been buried.
Work has been an escape, a distraction and in my mind, a better use of
my time. I’ve had no time to sit and
enjoy a personal pity party and I have tried to avoid this at all costs. But it looks like I will finally get my
invitation and the party will commence.
I dread this “party for one” and its eventual arrival. But I have come
to the realization that this too, is part of grieving and one has to simply go
through it to become whole again.
As the buildings are sold and new management companies come
in to the picture, my work here will end.
When it ends, I will have a great deal of time alone. The thought of this is traumatizing and
paralyzing to say the least. What will I
do? How will I cope?
I’ve never been alone.
This is unchartered territory and I pray that I figure out how to
navigate.
